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Saturday, November 8, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
8 Directors who should stay just Directors.
Hollywood has had its fair share of actors who took a step back from their stage and took a shot at directing. Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, Johnny Depp, Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson, and hell, even Jet Li's directed a movie. It seems like it's a popular thing nowadays. So, in the lack of some multi-talented actors, some directors (first and foremost) have decided to brave the force of acting.
The problem with the directors on this list, whose careers are based on telling others how to act, somehow never took their own lessons to heart.
Here's the top 8 of those Hollywood mainstream (some even are well respected) directors who suck ass at acting.
8. David Lynch
Who They Are.
Unless you're a big movie fan, you probably don't know who the flying fuck this guy is. And for those who do: Congratulations! You've gained nothing.
David Lynch is famous for his unorthodox (cough, hair) filmmaking and surrealistic films like Blue Velvet, a bleak exposé on suburbia, and his (fucking weird, but oddly entertaining) television show Twin Peaks. Love or hate him, Lynch's directorial and production style has had an enormous influence on modern cinema. Thankfully, nobody emulates his acting.
Even the most devoted Lynch fans will scoff and look at the ground when confronted by the hideous performances by the actors in his films. Not all directors are the same; some do eschew actors with talent in favor of trippy, sledgehammer symbolism and poor lighting. One would think that, even if you don't find acting to be necessary to filmmaking, you'd want to at least prove that you're multitalented, but apparently, you'd be wrong.
In his peak performance, Lynch acted in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, the single most fucking ridiculous film of his career, and is also the prequel-movie to the cult television show. Lynch plays "Gordon," the partially deaf man shouting from behind a desk.
The Example.
Don't worry, we don't get it either.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. More usage of the wonderful David Bowie.
2. Learn how to appropriately use better facial expressions; i.e. "emotion."
3. Less shouting and more casual talk.
7. Spike Lee
Who They Are.
If you like or even love Spike Lee, you've -- without a doubt -- skipped over his brief cameo roles he's had in Do The Right Thing, Malcom X, and She's Gotta Have It, because you know damn well they were shit. If you've seen Summer of Sam, we all know you were paying more attention to John Leguizamo to have realize Spike showed in the film -- and let's not forget the up and coming Adrian Brody.
Luckily Lee has learned his lesson and has briefly departed from acting (we're still unsure if the water is safe to enter because he may appear once more). Not acting is a brilliant move on his part, because like we've already addressed: he sucks. Even though he has only taken up small bit roles in his films (unlike another director who deliberately writes themselves into their film -- see below) it's still not enough to save us from his bad acting. Those miniscule five minutes on screen are still too much for us to bear.
The Example.
Spike Lee doesn't act, he IS the role. Now, don't get confused or misconstrue that to think that he's encompassed the character and is meshing it with his personal self; you're wrong. There is no character there. Spike Lee's roles are essentially himself in a nutshell (or a jersey). This is a cheater's way of not really acting. Let's face the facts, it's easier for you if you don't have to do jack shit.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Take a quick class (maybe even a seminar?) to properly learn characters and emotions. This does actually help.
6. Woody Allen
Who They Are.
With the face of a serial rapist and a track record of pedophilia, it's quite mind-boggling to see Woody Allen being considered a highly regarded film director.
Okay, so there is the off chance you may actually like one of his movies. Annie Hall is quite famous/popular, it even won Best Film of the Year at the Academy Awards. Sometimes his other crapfests are also popular among the more "trendy/chic" crowds. But here's the real question, do you like him?
Didn't think so.
The Example.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Try to be less neurotic.
2. Try to be less Jewish?
3. Create new characters, other than ones imitating your real self.
5. Martin Scorsese
Who They Are.
Respected by thousands, even millions, Martin Scorsese is a critically-acclaimed Hollywood director. Problem with that sentence is that it took him about thirty years to get one damn Oscar. He's been nominated for the Directing Oscar many a times, but never once for Acting.
The problem lies in the fact that Martin Scorsese is -- well -- too Martin Scorsese. He's short, has a high pitched voice, and lacks anything that can be misconstrued as possible acting talent. If you are gullible enough to believe he's acting, you're wrong. He's not. He, like others before him, are just being themselves on camera.
A good actor knows how to mask their voice. Ewan McGreggor, a Scotsman, pulls off a wonderful American accent. Colin Farrell (Irish) -- though not exactly our favorite actor -- can also do the same thing. Do you ever hear them talk in their normal voice during a movie? No. Do you ever hear Scorsese talk in his normal voice? All the time.
We have no problem with Scorsese, for he is an innovative, and masterful director of his time. He just shouldn't act.
The Example.
Notes They Need to Take:
1. Work on reading the dialogue, so it doesn't seem like you're reading the dialogue.
4. M. Night Shymalan
Who They Are.
Pop quiz: What kind of narcissistic dick do you have to be in order to write yourself into all of your movies, and in one role as the "greatest writer of all time"? Answer: M. Night Shyamalama.
Shyamalan may be heralded as a "genius and original" director of our time, but here's a fact that will never be refutable: if aliens were to invade earth, their first victim would be M. Night for giving them a bad name. Do you think they'd be stupid enough not to realize that 75-percent of fucking Earth is composed of water? Neither did we.
When he was a child, Shymalan tried to follow in his father's footsteps to becoming a gynecologist. Unfortunately for Shyamalan, he just couldn't put together a twist for Clitoris, so he continued on with making home movies. And you can bet your sorry ass that he starred in every damn one of the 45 he made. That being said, he never once learned a thing called acting. Hell, he even attended NYU's prestigious Tisch School of Arts (even Woddy Allen did too), and yet failed to garner a proper education.
In a recent interview, Shyamalan said he wanted to change his name to "Deliberate Placement." After extenuating hours of dedicated research, we're still baffled at what this could possibly mean.
The Example.
Unfortunately we don't have an example for Shymalan. You see, we didn't want to rent Lady in the Water just to save us the embarrassment of actually renting Lady in the Water, and we refused to illegally download it in fear that the F.B.I. would catch us in the act of downloading motherfucking Lady in the Water.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Night, stop finding lame excuses to put yourself in the movie. Even if it's a shot of you from behind, we still know it's you. You're damn recognizable, especially when we've seen you every other time in your other films.
2. Take a new angle, have someone else write your scripts for you.
3. Quentin Tarantino
Who They Are.
Quentin Tarantino is a man who should never, and we by never, we mean NEVER act in his, or anybody else's films, ever again. Ever. He does not have the talent to be an actor. If anything, he should stay back behind the camera. Hell, he shouldn't even be behind the camera, he should be on a break from it.
With the success of Reservoir Dogs, in which Tarantino played Mr. Brown, a character who dies (don't worry, we didn't ruin anything), his career was launched off into the highest reaches of cult kingdom. Spanning nearly twenty years, his career has yet to prove insightful to him on how to act. He's worked with David Carridine, Uma Thurman, and even Samuel L. Jackson, yet never has learned a thing.
The Example.
Here are two examples to prove the point.
Before success.
After success.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Stop writing dialogue for all of your characters as you, yourself, would say it.
2. Don't try to be suave. You never will be.
2. Ed Wood
Who They Are.
Have you ever seen Glen or Glenda? Don't fret, neither has anyone else.
Ed Wood is famous for going down in history as one of Hollywood's worst movie directors, if not the worst, and not to mention his credentials as a proficient actor are lacking in that region. Actually, he's been dead for about three decades, so, no worries there. His films have also been locked up inside Fort Knox, and no one should be able to get at them.
Wood's career in Hollywood was dismal, at best. His big break was when he was to write an exploitation film about a man who changed his sex to female, also known as "transvestites." He also happened to know Béla Lugosi as a good personal friend. Lugosi … y'know, Dracula.
Wood wrote the assigned film as an semi-autobiographical piece about himself. True story. He loved Angora. Wood then starred in the lead and directed in the movie. Truly appalled at his own acting ability, Wood hired everyone he knew that also obtained no prior acting skills and made it appear as if he was the one true star. He even had his girlfriend at the time act in the film. Luckily for him, it sort of worked out. Lugosi surprisingly always spoke like Count Dracula causing him to look like a dumbass who just couldn't move past his pivotal role; and Wood fooled two people into believing he had some talent, but was just playing himself in the titular role.
With the failure of his film, Wood was on his way to becoming a notoriously bad actor/director, especially with his next film: Plan Nine From Outer Space. No worries there if you haven't seen that one.
His failed career as a film director lead to his move to the porno industry, where he directed the horrible smut films, such as Orgy of the Dead.
Don't ask.
Breaking news! We have received word that Wood's films are available to people ... shit.
The Example.
We believe you'll be able to watch about a minute of this before reading on.
We were right, weren't we?
Notes They Need(ed) to Take.
1. Hire real actors.
2. Stop with the Lugosi.
1. Eli Roth
Who They Are.
The only reason why Ed Wood got beat out by some half-assed Boston frat-boy filmmaker, is because Eli Roth is one of the worst (living) directors/actors. He's made a grand total, of what, three films, one of which was a sequel? Woo. Seriously, how they hell were they successful? Oh yeah. Tits.
Roth's big break, Cabin Fever, had him star (minor role -- though not minor enough) as a pot-smoking toolshed walking his dog, Dr. Mambo, at two in the fucking morning. [see clip below] Now what reefer loving collegian hasn't done that? The scene in which Roth makes his cameo is appalling. Oedipal lunacy even. Rider Strong, of Boy Meets World fame, was rendered helpless by the atrocity caused on part by both Roth's shit-classed acting and hideously fake looking goatee, that he has shaven his head, submersed himself in a five-year intensive Buddhist Monk training camp located deep in the mountains of Nepal to seek a higher meaning to Daoist beliefs (and to hopefully learn the Buddhist Palm technique), and fears that one day he'll run into Roth.
In Tarantino's latest borefest, Death Proof, Roth was surprisingly granted a cameo role to play the biggest douche hammer/cock bleed this side of the Mississippi, aka himself. Roth was so inexplicably bad, that Kurt Russell was quoted off the set (by an unknown source) with "Who the fuck is this guy?" We agree with you there, Mr. Plissken. We had only hoped that his character was considered as possibly being written out by your merciless hands. But no, we were not fortunate enough to witness such a miracle since White Jesus.
The real question is what dictates this man to continuously taking up roles? Wait, fuck that.
Who is casting this talent-less hack in movies over and over again? Why is Hollywood perpetually distorting our minds with misunderstandings that he can act? If anything, we need to halt his career right now.
Right fucking now.
The Example.
God save us all.
Note They Need to Take.
Ah, fuck. Nothing could save this bitch.
The problem with the directors on this list, whose careers are based on telling others how to act, somehow never took their own lessons to heart.
Here's the top 8 of those Hollywood mainstream (some even are well respected) directors who suck ass at acting.
8. David Lynch
Who They Are.
Unless you're a big movie fan, you probably don't know who the flying fuck this guy is. And for those who do: Congratulations! You've gained nothing.
David Lynch is famous for his unorthodox (cough, hair) filmmaking and surrealistic films like Blue Velvet, a bleak exposé on suburbia, and his (fucking weird, but oddly entertaining) television show Twin Peaks. Love or hate him, Lynch's directorial and production style has had an enormous influence on modern cinema. Thankfully, nobody emulates his acting.
Even the most devoted Lynch fans will scoff and look at the ground when confronted by the hideous performances by the actors in his films. Not all directors are the same; some do eschew actors with talent in favor of trippy, sledgehammer symbolism and poor lighting. One would think that, even if you don't find acting to be necessary to filmmaking, you'd want to at least prove that you're multitalented, but apparently, you'd be wrong.
In his peak performance, Lynch acted in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, the single most fucking ridiculous film of his career, and is also the prequel-movie to the cult television show. Lynch plays "Gordon," the partially deaf man shouting from behind a desk.
The Example.
Don't worry, we don't get it either.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. More usage of the wonderful David Bowie.
2. Learn how to appropriately use better facial expressions; i.e. "emotion."
3. Less shouting and more casual talk.
7. Spike Lee
Who They Are.
If you like or even love Spike Lee, you've -- without a doubt -- skipped over his brief cameo roles he's had in Do The Right Thing, Malcom X, and She's Gotta Have It, because you know damn well they were shit. If you've seen Summer of Sam, we all know you were paying more attention to John Leguizamo to have realize Spike showed in the film -- and let's not forget the up and coming Adrian Brody.
Luckily Lee has learned his lesson and has briefly departed from acting (we're still unsure if the water is safe to enter because he may appear once more). Not acting is a brilliant move on his part, because like we've already addressed: he sucks. Even though he has only taken up small bit roles in his films (unlike another director who deliberately writes themselves into their film -- see below) it's still not enough to save us from his bad acting. Those miniscule five minutes on screen are still too much for us to bear.
The Example.
Spike Lee doesn't act, he IS the role. Now, don't get confused or misconstrue that to think that he's encompassed the character and is meshing it with his personal self; you're wrong. There is no character there. Spike Lee's roles are essentially himself in a nutshell (or a jersey). This is a cheater's way of not really acting. Let's face the facts, it's easier for you if you don't have to do jack shit.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Take a quick class (maybe even a seminar?) to properly learn characters and emotions. This does actually help.
6. Woody Allen
Who They Are.
With the face of a serial rapist and a track record of pedophilia, it's quite mind-boggling to see Woody Allen being considered a highly regarded film director.
Okay, so there is the off chance you may actually like one of his movies. Annie Hall is quite famous/popular, it even won Best Film of the Year at the Academy Awards. Sometimes his other crapfests are also popular among the more "trendy/chic" crowds. But here's the real question, do you like him?
Didn't think so.
The Example.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Try to be less neurotic.
2. Try to be less Jewish?
3. Create new characters, other than ones imitating your real self.
5. Martin Scorsese
Who They Are.
Respected by thousands, even millions, Martin Scorsese is a critically-acclaimed Hollywood director. Problem with that sentence is that it took him about thirty years to get one damn Oscar. He's been nominated for the Directing Oscar many a times, but never once for Acting.
The problem lies in the fact that Martin Scorsese is -- well -- too Martin Scorsese. He's short, has a high pitched voice, and lacks anything that can be misconstrued as possible acting talent. If you are gullible enough to believe he's acting, you're wrong. He's not. He, like others before him, are just being themselves on camera.
A good actor knows how to mask their voice. Ewan McGreggor, a Scotsman, pulls off a wonderful American accent. Colin Farrell (Irish) -- though not exactly our favorite actor -- can also do the same thing. Do you ever hear them talk in their normal voice during a movie? No. Do you ever hear Scorsese talk in his normal voice? All the time.
We have no problem with Scorsese, for he is an innovative, and masterful director of his time. He just shouldn't act.
The Example.
Notes They Need to Take:
1. Work on reading the dialogue, so it doesn't seem like you're reading the dialogue.
4. M. Night Shymalan
Who They Are.
Pop quiz: What kind of narcissistic dick do you have to be in order to write yourself into all of your movies, and in one role as the "greatest writer of all time"? Answer: M. Night Shyamalama.
Shyamalan may be heralded as a "genius and original" director of our time, but here's a fact that will never be refutable: if aliens were to invade earth, their first victim would be M. Night for giving them a bad name. Do you think they'd be stupid enough not to realize that 75-percent of fucking Earth is composed of water? Neither did we.
When he was a child, Shymalan tried to follow in his father's footsteps to becoming a gynecologist. Unfortunately for Shyamalan, he just couldn't put together a twist for Clitoris, so he continued on with making home movies. And you can bet your sorry ass that he starred in every damn one of the 45 he made. That being said, he never once learned a thing called acting. Hell, he even attended NYU's prestigious Tisch School of Arts (even Woddy Allen did too), and yet failed to garner a proper education.
In a recent interview, Shyamalan said he wanted to change his name to "Deliberate Placement." After extenuating hours of dedicated research, we're still baffled at what this could possibly mean.
The Example.
Unfortunately we don't have an example for Shymalan. You see, we didn't want to rent Lady in the Water just to save us the embarrassment of actually renting Lady in the Water, and we refused to illegally download it in fear that the F.B.I. would catch us in the act of downloading motherfucking Lady in the Water.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Night, stop finding lame excuses to put yourself in the movie. Even if it's a shot of you from behind, we still know it's you. You're damn recognizable, especially when we've seen you every other time in your other films.
2. Take a new angle, have someone else write your scripts for you.
3. Quentin Tarantino
Who They Are.
Quentin Tarantino is a man who should never, and we by never, we mean NEVER act in his, or anybody else's films, ever again. Ever. He does not have the talent to be an actor. If anything, he should stay back behind the camera. Hell, he shouldn't even be behind the camera, he should be on a break from it.
With the success of Reservoir Dogs, in which Tarantino played Mr. Brown, a character who dies (don't worry, we didn't ruin anything), his career was launched off into the highest reaches of cult kingdom. Spanning nearly twenty years, his career has yet to prove insightful to him on how to act. He's worked with David Carridine, Uma Thurman, and even Samuel L. Jackson, yet never has learned a thing.
The Example.
Here are two examples to prove the point.
Before success.
After success.
Notes They Need to Take.
1. Stop writing dialogue for all of your characters as you, yourself, would say it.
2. Don't try to be suave. You never will be.
2. Ed Wood
Above: Ed Wood (left), and sexual dynamo Johnny Depp as better Ed Wood (right).
Who They Are.
Have you ever seen Glen or Glenda? Don't fret, neither has anyone else.
Ed Wood is famous for going down in history as one of Hollywood's worst movie directors, if not the worst, and not to mention his credentials as a proficient actor are lacking in that region. Actually, he's been dead for about three decades, so, no worries there. His films have also been locked up inside Fort Knox, and no one should be able to get at them.
Wood's career in Hollywood was dismal, at best. His big break was when he was to write an exploitation film about a man who changed his sex to female, also known as "transvestites." He also happened to know Béla Lugosi as a good personal friend. Lugosi … y'know, Dracula.
Wood wrote the assigned film as an semi-autobiographical piece about himself. True story. He loved Angora. Wood then starred in the lead and directed in the movie. Truly appalled at his own acting ability, Wood hired everyone he knew that also obtained no prior acting skills and made it appear as if he was the one true star. He even had his girlfriend at the time act in the film. Luckily for him, it sort of worked out. Lugosi surprisingly always spoke like Count Dracula causing him to look like a dumbass who just couldn't move past his pivotal role; and Wood fooled two people into believing he had some talent, but was just playing himself in the titular role.
With the failure of his film, Wood was on his way to becoming a notoriously bad actor/director, especially with his next film: Plan Nine From Outer Space. No worries there if you haven't seen that one.
His failed career as a film director lead to his move to the porno industry, where he directed the horrible smut films, such as Orgy of the Dead.
Don't ask.
Breaking news! We have received word that Wood's films are available to people ... shit.
The Example.
We believe you'll be able to watch about a minute of this before reading on.
We were right, weren't we?
Notes They Need(ed) to Take.
1. Hire real actors.
2. Stop with the Lugosi.
1. Eli Roth
Who They Are.
The only reason why Ed Wood got beat out by some half-assed Boston frat-boy filmmaker, is because Eli Roth is one of the worst (living) directors/actors. He's made a grand total, of what, three films, one of which was a sequel? Woo. Seriously, how they hell were they successful? Oh yeah. Tits.
Roth's big break, Cabin Fever, had him star (minor role -- though not minor enough) as a pot-smoking toolshed walking his dog, Dr. Mambo, at two in the fucking morning. [see clip below] Now what reefer loving collegian hasn't done that? The scene in which Roth makes his cameo is appalling. Oedipal lunacy even. Rider Strong, of Boy Meets World fame, was rendered helpless by the atrocity caused on part by both Roth's shit-classed acting and hideously fake looking goatee, that he has shaven his head, submersed himself in a five-year intensive Buddhist Monk training camp located deep in the mountains of Nepal to seek a higher meaning to Daoist beliefs (and to hopefully learn the Buddhist Palm technique), and fears that one day he'll run into Roth.
In Tarantino's latest borefest, Death Proof, Roth was surprisingly granted a cameo role to play the biggest douche hammer/cock bleed this side of the Mississippi, aka himself. Roth was so inexplicably bad, that Kurt Russell was quoted off the set (by an unknown source) with "Who the fuck is this guy?" We agree with you there, Mr. Plissken. We had only hoped that his character was considered as possibly being written out by your merciless hands. But no, we were not fortunate enough to witness such a miracle since White Jesus.
The real question is what dictates this man to continuously taking up roles? Wait, fuck that.
Who is casting this talent-less hack in movies over and over again? Why is Hollywood perpetually distorting our minds with misunderstandings that he can act? If anything, we need to halt his career right now.
Right fucking now.
The Example.
God save us all.
Note They Need to Take.
Ah, fuck. Nothing could save this bitch.
Typing and typing at 2:00 AM
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